Hormones

Ahhh hormones. Where to begin with these blessed things…

Hormones can and will be responsible for tears and tantrums throughout your pregnancy. It sounds so cliché when you talk about pregnant hormonal women. ‘Oh don’t upset the pregnant woman, just agree with her... Don’t say anything to set her off, just smile and nod’. Some people make us out to be the devil reincarnate. I always used to think this was a bit far fetched and unfair. The truth is, you never really understand it until you’ve experienced it (and sometimes devil reincarnate is actually closer to the truth then we’d care to admit). It can be quite unnerving and quite distressing. You could find yourself thinking there’s something seriously wrong with you. You could start questioning your own sanity and wondering if you need psychiatric help. You don’t. You’re pregnant. You’re going to be irrational and moody and teary. You have about 20 million new and crazy things going on inside of you, and this includes a mammoth wave of hormones that take over you like a plague.  

When you’re used to being a calm level headed woman, suddenly having little to no control over your emotions is really hard. You might find that you get really cranky at yourself for being so irrational. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to talk myself out of being so upset because Woolworths didn’t have the right brand of caramel fudge, or the Voice was on too late for me to stay awake to watch. But sadly no amount of stern words has helped me..It really is insane how upset and sometimes really cranky you’ll find yourself getting over the most trivial things. It is at this point I would like to apologise to partners and husbands of pregnant women everywhere. We really do love you immensely and no, the volume of your footsteps really isn’t that loud and the fact you left a dirty dish in the sink really doesn’t mean we want your head on a platter, despite the fact that our over reactions may state otherwise.

While I’m on the subject of apologies, I would also like to apologise to my entire local traffic population. I’m fairly sure I’ve called every single one of you some foul name under my breath (well really loudly if I’m completely honest) while I’ve been driving behind you, in front of you or in your general vicinity. I’m so glad that babies don’t come out talking because I’m fairly sure my daughter’s first words would be profanity of some sort merely from being in the car with me on the way home from work… Oopsie.

Now I’m not normally a big crier. I hate crying & I especially hate doing it in front of other people. So unfortunately for me I’m now finding myself either crying or at least tearing up regularly and mostly around lots of people! I was almost in a fit of tears at the Sydney Star City Casino last week because the only thing I could stomach for dinner was hot chips when there was so many other yummy foods around. And don’t even think about watching a movie that has the potential to be sad, has birth scenes or babies or even puppies in it. Tears will be flying everywhere. You have been warned. In saying that, never underestimate the power of a good deep breath. Sometimes it can be the difference between keeping it together and losing your perfectly applied mascara all the way down your face. Although sometimes no amount of breathing will stop those tears from coming and sometimes, you just need to let them out to feel better. You might even find yourself on the other side of a snivelling teary episode wondering what the hell your problem is. I’ve asked myself that question so many times it’s ridiculous. I never seem to have an answer either.

Unfortunately there’s no quick fix for all these insane emotional ups & downs. Normally I would suggest wine, however in our situations, probably not the best idea. So, I’ve replaced wine with chocolate. And ice cream. It might not make you feel better but while you’re shovelling that 15^th scoop of ice cream in your mouth & enjoying the caramel/chocolate/vanilla/pickle flavours, I can guarantee you won’t be crying. So if you ask me, that’s a win. So, chocolate & ice cream for everyone!

When 2 cents worth adds up to 20 dollars worth

I have found that a lot of people don’t have a filter when it comes to things they say to a pregnant woman. It’s like once you’re pregnant it gives everyone free reign to tell you exactly what they think whether that’s good bad or otherwise. Yes, because us pregnant ladies don’t have feelings that are easily hurt… Offend away douche bag! And the funny thing is, if you ever retaliate with a less then impressed comment all of a sudden you become a devil woman possessed by pregnancy hormones. Yes, the hormones made me cranky, not your incredibly inappropriate comment.

You will get bombarded with people’s horror stories from their next door neighbour’s cousin’s wife’s labour, ‘helpful’ advice, what you definitely shouldn’t do, what you absolutely must do… the list goes on. It starts as soon as people find out you’re pregnant and it only gets worse as time goes on, especially when you become visibly pregnant & then strangers join in on the fun. Oh the joy. 

Then of course you get the sticky beak people who never normally even acknowledge you who want to know all the nitty gritty details… when are you due? (not soon enough) Do you know what you are you having? (A baby I presume) Have you been sick? (would you like me to vomit on your shoes?) Are you going to breastfeed? (pretty sure I don’t want to discuss my boobs & what function they’ll be performing with someone who probably can’t remember my name) Are you going to have a natural labour, drugs? (you have about 2.3 seconds before I lose my shit with you).

For some reason everyone wants to talk to you when you’re pregnant, and only about being pregnant & baby stuff. Because once you’re pregnant, that is the only thing that interests you. You don’t have a life or any interests outside being pregnant and having your baby anymore. I’ve gotten very good at ‘Mmmhmm- ing’ and giving one word answers to probing questions from people who I know are just being nosey.  I’ve gotten to the stage where I’m willing people to just not talk to me at all. I don’t have the energy for the politeness that it requires. You might have more guts then me and actually be able to say all the things that are running through your head to the offending person. And if you do, good for you. On behalf of pregnant women everywhere, I applaud you. I’m sure that one day I’ll have a dangerous combination of hormones & a lack of sleep and some poor person will cop every smart arse answer I’ve been bottling up from everyone else. So in advance, I apologise. Well I feel like I should apologise anyway, I can’t guarantee that I mean it wholeheartedly…   

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what you should/shouldn’t be eating, drinking, doing or not doing. I had a person who was absolutely horrified that I was at the gym while ‘in my condition’. According to them I should be at home with my feet up eating whatever I want & doing as little as possible. Great way to gain an extra 20 unwanted kilos, just what I want! I don’t know how many times I’ve told people that I’m pregnant, not dying. I mean sure, if you want to use pregnancy as the perfect excuse to be lazy & eat lots go ahead. But it’s not actually an essential part of being pregnant.

Now, I am not by any means a big girl. And at 29 weeks pregnant I can still fit into my size 9 skinny jeans (yes, I am proud of that, but no I cannot do them up). But, when I was about 16 weeks pregnant I had someone tell me I didn’t look pregnant, just ‘podgy’. Gee, thanks. I had someone else tell me I was looking ‘plump’. No really, thank you SO much.

I am still baffled as to what makes people think it’s ok to tell a woman she looks fat/large etc when she’s pregnant. You wouldn’t say it to a non-pregnant woman, why on earth say it to one who has a damn good reason for the extra 10kgs she’s toting around? Because you know, we just love to be reminded of all that extra weight we’re carrying that we can’t do anything about losing just yet. So, just for the record, terms like podgy, plump, wide, large, huge and chubby all make the ‘call-me-that-again-and-I’ll-punch-you’ list. Just so you know. Oh, and your fat pregnant lady ‘jokes’ aren’t funny. Neither is giving us a wide berth in the hallway because you’re alluding to the fact we need so much more room to pass around you because we’re so ‘huge’. And telling us at morning teas that we’ve already ‘had enough’ to eat, yep not funny either.

Once your bump is more visible & formed the range of opinions is amazing. Nobody seems to keep their opinion to themselves either. One day, in the space of about 20 minutes I was told by one person that I was huge, and then that I was tiny by someone else. I also had someone once change their opinion within the 1 conversation. ‘Oh you’re sooo big, how far along are you?’ ‘27 weeks’ ‘Oh, you’re so little’. Want to make your mind up there sunshine? Everyone seems to have an opinion as to how big they think you should be at a certain stage of pregnancy, or where you are ‘carrying’ your baby. Which of course then leads to people telling you that you’re definitely having a boy/girl because your belly is sitting at a 35.7 degree angle from your spine with a radius of 72.1 cms. Thanks for that, I didn’t realise you had x-ray vision and could see through my belly to the gender of my baby.. Then you’ll have people telling you how big or small your baby is judging by the size of your belly. Oh you’re so clever, I didn’t realise you had x-ray vision and have the ability to weigh my unborn baby with your eyes… You’re amazing.

People like to tell you every time your belly has ‘popped’ too. Oh gee thanks for that! I really hadn’t noticed the rapidly expanding bowling ball suddenly attached to the front of me. I wondered why my jeans wouldn’t do up anymore.. And when you have 20 people in one day tell you this, it gets very old very quickly. I still can’t believe how amazed people are that my belly keeps growing. Incredible, pregnant woman’s belly keeps growing! Pretty sure there’s no shocking news worthy stories there. FYI, pregnant bellies continue to grow until the baby is born. Just in case you missed that one. 

I’ve noticed that people like to make you feel bad for worrying about ‘trivial’ little things that they don’t deem important. Belly rings for example. For some reason keeping mine in is important to me, I guess it’s almost like a reminder of the ‘old’ me or something. But I had people tell me that I shouldn’t worry about stupid things like that when I have something so much more important to focus on. I also had people tell me I was silly to prefer a boy first and that a healthy baby should be the only thing that matters. I think it goes without saying that you want your baby to be healthy above everything else, but it’s also ok to prefer or want a boy or girl first or to want to keep your belly ring in or not get stretch marks. It doesn’t mean you’re going to want or love your baby any less and it definitely does not make you a terrible mother. If it’s important to you, then it’s important. Don’t let people make you feel bad for it.

So basically, when you’re pregnant you’ll most likely end up with a strong dislike for most people who open their mouths in your direction. If you’re not pregnant, think very carefully about what you’re about to say to that pregnant woman you pass in the hallway. It could be the final straw that breaks the hormonal woman’s self control...